My, what a long time it’s been.
I’ve been underground for these past six months or so. Off of here for much longer.
Around March or April of this year, the reality of where I was internally-so very tired, uninspired, creatively burnt out-caught up with me. I had started my first full time job at the jail here in New Orleans since beginning my business, and all the emotional and spiritual mentorship I received were telling me the same thing: stop.
Stop producing when you have no well to draw from. Stop trying to be visible to people on the internet when you’re not actually feeling inspired to say much of anything. Stop holding yourself up to made up standards. Stop creating events sporadically, following every wispy idea that came along, only to inevitably be disappointed when people didn’t show up. Of course they didn’t. What were they showing up to? My identity was so deeply entangled with my business that I couldn’t even have told you what exactly the point of doing this work that I offer was at all. I had lost my rooting.
And let me tell you, it was rough. And deeply painful. I had not realized how much my self worth had become wrapped up in the work I do in the world nor how much I was embodying the hustle culture that I was and am ideologically opposed to. Plus as an Aries rising with a generator human design, I have a lot of internal fire to burn and I can very easily get completely pulled into whatever I’m working on when I’m not grounding myself in other things. To my system at the time, stopping seemed impossible.
But it wasn’t. It was medicinal.
I am emerging now, ironically at the same time as the northern hemisphere retreats into darkness. Like a smooth river stone delightfully picked up by a small child, I am plucked up from underneath the water. I feel solid in my bones in a way I haven’t felt in many months now. There is a pool to draw from now, and I feel a deep clarity about who I am (Grace) and what I do (transformational embodied grief work). I am detached in a healthy way from the work I put into the world, and I also feel genuinely excited to share about it.
I’ve also been thinking a lot about fascia-that amazing web like material that covers our entire muscular system. My intuitive movement has become somehow fascial-lots of stretching, wide reaching, opening, breathing. I can feel an expansiveness pulling me outward from within-my body is desiring to take up more space whereas before it wanted to retreat.
I’m grateful to feel centered now. I’m also deeply grateful for all the months of shakiness and deep distress and discomfort that peppered so much of this past year.
There’s lots of richness coming from within. My creativity is sparked. And, my body is tethered to the earth, as it should be.